When A Friend Isn’t Really A Friend
We were having lunch one day, my cousin and I, when she told me about her, to borrow her words, “so-called friend.”
Amused at first, I listened as she narrated, “You can’t understand her. One day we were laughing together, telling stories, joking around. And the next day, she’s a complete stranger. She evades my eyes, says two-word sentences and basically avoids me. And to think that we’ve known each together for more than ten years.”
“Maybe you did something to annoy her?” I gently asked.
“Well, that’s just another problem. I don’t know what I did to her to act like that. Would you believe, sometimes, her sharp eyes can kill?–when just yesterday, we were talking about taking a trip! There have been times when I’ve asked her up front if I’ve done something wrong to make her mad. But she just denies everything–using excuses like, ‘I’m just not feeling well,’ ‘I have my period,’ and so on. Believe me, I’ve been gone to being confused to being angry. Because I know she’s angry at me, but she refuses to admit it, she doesn’t want to talk about it, but she acts like that, making me feel she’s mad, and then denying it when confronted. How can we solve the situation by that way? I’ve lost count of the times she did that to me.”
She sipped on her drink as I listened for more: “At first, because she makes me feel I’ve done her a terrible wrong, I would be the one to make amends by talking to her even though she’s not speaking to me, trying to make her laugh and respond, even though she’s just looking at me with a blank stare. Sometimes, she’d get out of whatever she’s into, and speak to me again—making me feel so grateful to her for accepting me again. But then, the situation repeats itself time and time again. After a long time, I finally got tired of being a doormat. One day when she was like that, I just let her be–I didn’t talk to her also. I found out that a few weeks will pass and then, she’s back to her normal self again, laughing and speaking to me—without me doing anything. Frankly, I think she does that every time she wants to, every time she feels like it. And since the last two years, it’s been frequent!”
I was horrified at this point. But that’s not all. She couldn’t stop herself as she continued to say, “Once, I found out she had been lying to me about something. Maybe it’s not really lying because she didn’t say anything about it to me in the first place (although I’ve repeatedly asked her about it then)–she just told me about it afterwards. And this it what’s so frustrating: she told it to me like I knew it all along, and she kept asking me for advice, what she should have done, and so on. All that, after avoiding to talk to me for a long time.”
Sharlene went on to add, “She’s been doing this ever since, but I always forgive her, because I treat her as my friend. But most of the times, I feel that I’m just the one wanting to be a friend. There were times that I open up to her but she doesn’t. And there were instances that she’d used me, putting my words on her mouth when she’s with others. Worse, sometimes, when she’s talking to somebody else and I come in, she automatically stops herself from speaking and becomes silent, although the whole school already heard her laughing her brains out before I came. And then she’ll just stare and listen and observe as I converse with the people she was talking to before I arrived. She makes me feel stupid.”
Shocked, at last I managed to ask: “Do you still see her? That’s not a good thing for you, honey.”
This time, she smiled as she answered, “Yes, but since last year, I stopped being a friend to her—merely an acquaintance. I didn’t like what she was doing to me and one day, something kind of snapped in me and I told myself, ‘Stop it!’ She’s not a friend.’ I realize that now. For me now, we just happen to be a couple of girls in the same school and the same class. Just that–I don’t go out of my way to be with her anymore. She’s just another girl I know. That’s why now she doesn’t affect me whenever she has her moods.”
What my cousin shared to me stayed in my mind until I got home. How and when do you know that the one whom you treat and think of as a friend is not really the friend you thought her to be?
Since we were children, we’ve craved for friends to play with, talk with, joke around with. As we grow, we looked for persons who are of the same age, same grade or year level, same work-place or same interests. But the gauge of friendship is much deeper than that.
Friendship is felt in the oneness of minds and hearts, of considering the other more than yourself, of wanting to improve your friend rather than degrading her and make her feel unimportant. Someone who you put your trust on and believe in you, no matter what. And a true friend may take a lifetime to find. My cousin taught me one painful truth: sometimes, the person you thought to be your friend for many years is not really a friend.
I congratulate Sharlene for realizing that. Even though it took her a long time to do so, giving her friend numerous chances to change over the years. But you see, it’s not Sharlene’s loss. It’s her “so-called friend’s loss. And I can’t help but pity her.
August 5th, 2010 at 4:05 pm
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